Lets see... school has started and I have pretty much been zoned out most of the time. My life.... n/m.

I have this feeling in my stomach and I really don't like it... no.. it isnt the pains or anything like that. It's this feeling that I get when I want to cry. I want to cry all the time now. So being the foolish person I am.. I have been crying myself to sleep once again.

Last night, was horrible. I was being so weird that I REALLY didn't like myself. I put up with enough shit earlier from my mom and sister and I already had cried on Andrew earlier thta night. However, after that.. I was in such a weird mood. Everything seemed like it was the worst it could ever be. I know it wasn't, I really honestly know it wasn't but this feeling in my stomach just hurt. My eyes teared up so much even when I was laughing with Andrew. All I wanted to do was fucking cry. I can't fucking explain it. It's just something... I suppose an inner me that no one really knows or sees....sure Andrew may see it. He doesnt know it or understand it though. Fuck, I don't even understand it. I wish I could describe it to him. He really doesnt understand and it's weird.. I will feel like crying and then get this mean streak and I am mean to Andrew. I dont want to be but apparently the inner me doesnt want anyone to understand so it pushes the person I love most away. Oh my god I am crazy.

I love him. Why do I feel like crying all the time. All I want when I cry is for him to hold me. Yesterday, it just wasn't good. It wasn't good at all. He left without a kiss or a real goodbye. It's my fault.

I swear it wasa the girl in me. Jealousy rules in a girls mind as much as I don't want it to. I actually tell myself I am an idiot for it and it just wont go away.

I love him.

FUCK!

No one will understand this and I feel so lost right now it isnt fair. The one time I HONESTLY CANT express all my feelings in writing. The one time I want to express ALL of my feelings in writing ... I cant fucking do it.

I cried myself to sleep and I woke up this morning crying because Andrew left on such a bad note. I really couldn't concentrate on school all day today because of it.

It's funny because so far this year I couldn't concentrate because I wanted to see him so bad. Now... Im terrified that he doesnt love me anymore, that he might break up with me!? FUCK! Right now... I am afraid if hes even alive right now. My mind is going crazy.

I told you all I was going crazy but I really fucked myself up. I don't know what's wrong. Of course he's still fucking alive. Of course he still loves me. He tells me every day and every time he can that I am the greatest person and the most beautiful person in the world to him.

How can this be? He tells me sometimes that I am mean to him. I can't help it that he doesnt take jokes well at all. He knows I am joking an then says "You're mean to me" I told him that hurt my feelings the other day cause I fucking love him and I really don't want to be mean to him.

Im crying again! Right now... Im crying! WHY!? I don't know. It just started!

I really don't know whats wrong with me. I really want Andrew here right now though.

NO ONE else.....will even give a shit or even care to try to understand.

Honestly though.....those perkaset I took (moms depresion pills) sure....I took 4 of them and it really wasn't good for me. I fucking know this but I think my dad is right...."If you even start taking depression pills 1 pill can get you hooked and if you dont have those pills later to take you have massive withdrawls." Maybe that's it.

I don't know, I really wish these tears would stop falling.....

Also everyone....you should be scared I think this is the only time I have never loved the rain.

All I want right now is to have Andrew next to me. My mind is going fucking crazy.

Song listening to/ stuck in head: "I think I love you"